I think I'm falling apart at the seams.
Yesterday was my dad's 73rd birthday. Instead of having grilled steak & raspberry birthday cake with him, I picked up his cremation urn.
I didn't cry. I haven't cried. All through the funeral planning and the memorial service and while gathering the piles of paperwork to settle their estate, I haven't cried. I had one bad night, the night before he died; but that was the only time I've really let it all out. I don't know if I'm still in shock, or maybe I'm just numb to it all because I'm dead inside. I don't feel anything.
Mason is sick again. He spiked a fever and has been coughing and throwing up since Wednesday. And it's so hard to be around him when he's sick, because his disdain for me really comes out. He wants Dave. Always, always, always with the Daddy questions. "Where is Daddy?" "When is Daddy coming home?" "NO! I don't want you! I want my Daddy."
I know it's a common trait for kids with autism, but his rejection hurts so much more than losing my dad. He doesn't hug me or give me kisses or throw his arms around me with wild abandon. For Daddy, yes - Daddy gets the little bit of love he has to give. But most of the time, he tolerates me with thinly veiled contempt. In 4-1/2 years, he has never once spontaneously said to me, "I love you, Momma" or crawled into my lap for a nice, long snuggle. Not one, single time.
Mothering my son is nothing like I thought it would be. It is destroying the tiny bit of self-esteem I had left. This is so pathetic, but I'm jealous of the love my husband gets from our son; and our marriage is falling apart because of it.
I play games with him, I color with him, and help him with puzzles and let him do his own thing. I nurture him and encourage him to help me in the kitchen (his favorite place to be). I don't know why he doesn't love me. I only know that it's getting harder and harder to stay here. When a woman is in an abusive marriage, everyone encourages her to be strong and leave. But when a mother is in a loveless relationship with her child, there is nothing kind or reassuring to be said. I mean, what kind of a monster leaves her child, right?!?
I sometimes think my expectations for motherhood were too high; but then again, my only expectation now is to be loved by my child.
I've fought for him and advocated for him and made every decision of my life around what's best for him. I've done everything I could possibly do; and still, he doesn't love me. I think that's why I feel empty inside. I have given him so much love, and gotten nothing in return. Maybe I only had so much love to give; and now that it's almost gone, I want to walk away and never look back.
I want a trial separation. Something has to change, and maybe a little bit of distance is just what the doctor ordered. I don't necessarily want my marriage to end, exactly. I just need some space to try and replenish the love that I've thrown away.
Oh babe, you gotta stop putting such adult motivation on that little boy. He does not have contempt for you. if he doesn't say he loves you it's not because he doesn't love you, it's because he thinks you already know. But Dave is never around, never the one there for him when he needs him so he has to exert extra energy to let him know he loves him in the hopes he'll get love in return. We have that dynamic at home too, especially when Ev was younger. He wanted Chris and only Chris because Chris was always at work and only sees him for an hour or two a day. These days it's all about me and Chris feels that same rejection you are feeling, because daddy isn't good enough only I will do. Mason adores you. YOU are the one he wants to sleep with because YOU are the one who makes him feel safe and loved. Remember that. It's not what you thought it would be like, I can't argue that. But never ever ever think for a second that that little boy doesn't love you. One day he'll find the words to tell you how much you mean to him and how special your dedication to him as been for him. Just give him time.
ReplyDeleteThanks Audrey. This means a lot to me, and is actually making me tear up. Parenting is just so SO hard sometimes, and I need to learn to give both Mason and myself a break. We're doing the best we can, right?
DeleteWhat Audrey said! And also, my condolences. I didn't know you were still around, blog wise. Will go and catch up now.
ReplyDeleteThanks, honeybunny. I've been wondering how you are, too. Good to hear from you again!! :)
Deletehow is the little girl doing, the one who wishes you were her mommy?
ReplyDeleteHi, Victoria - I can't believe I forgot to update on her situation!! This might get long, so bear with me (but I don't want to leave any details out).
DeleteThe day of my dad's memorial service, Mason was having a really hard time. We brought him to the funeral home for a little while; but after an hour or so, he was done. There were too many people and the lights were too bright and everything was WRONG WRONG WRONG. So we called Mason's school speech therapist, who had kindly offered to babysit if/when things got to be too much for him.
She met Dave & Mason back at our house, so Mason would be back in his comfort zone and not be freaked out by her being there (sometimes he panics when there are changes in the routine). We called to check in a few times, but everything went perfectly fine. Well, except for the fact that he wouldn't let her change his pull-up. Which honestly made me somewhat happy, because it means he's understanding that our bodies are ours alone.
Anyway, I finally got a chance to talk to her back at the house, and told her what the little girl had said. She said that "Jesse" lives with her Dad and her Great Grandma (!!!), and also has a 2-year-old brother (!!!). While Dad is at work, Great Grandma takes care of the kids, so he doesn't have to pay for child care. Her Mom is out of the picture. Doesn't see the kids, doesn't talk to them, doesn't even acknowledge that she has children, I guess.
I can't even imagine, you know. No matter how hard things get for us, I will always be in Mason's life. I just can't even think about how hard the future is going to be for Jesse, without a mother to confide in. Especially as a child with special needs - she has speech delays & some sensory issues & pretty severe ADHD.
So I asked Mason's speech therapist if there was anything I could do to help. Maybe take Jesse & her brother one afternoon a week or something, just to give them some kind of a positive female role model. Not that I think I'm role model material by any stretch of the imagination; but even my flawed character is better than nothing. And unfortunately, she said we shouldn't intervene. Jesse has really disorganized thoughts from her ADHD, and can get physical when things don't go her way. And the last thing we want is for Mason to get punched pushed around or kicked or bitten or headbutted or by her.
I still try to help, just by giving her a little treat bag of cookies or letter crackers & a juice box or some silly dollar store toy on the bus after school. I wish I could do more for her; but I can't take the chance of her hurting Mason, especially in the sanctity of his own home.