I think I'm falling apart at the seams.
Yesterday was my dad's 73rd birthday. Instead of having grilled steak & raspberry birthday cake with him, I picked up his cremation urn.
I didn't cry. I haven't cried. All through the funeral planning and the memorial service and while gathering the piles of paperwork to settle their estate, I haven't cried. I had one bad night, the night before he died; but that was the only time I've really let it all out. I don't know if I'm still in shock, or maybe I'm just numb to it all because I'm dead inside. I don't feel anything.
Mason is sick again. He spiked a fever and has been coughing and throwing up since Wednesday. And it's so hard to be around him when he's sick, because his disdain for me really comes out. He wants Dave. Always, always, always with the Daddy questions. "Where is Daddy?" "When is Daddy coming home?" "NO! I don't want you! I want my Daddy."
I know it's a common trait for kids with autism, but his rejection hurts so much more than losing my dad. He doesn't hug me or give me kisses or throw his arms around me with wild abandon. For Daddy, yes - Daddy gets the little bit of love he has to give. But most of the time, he tolerates me with thinly veiled contempt. In 4-1/2 years, he has never once spontaneously said to me, "I love you, Momma" or crawled into my lap for a nice, long snuggle. Not one, single time.
Mothering my son is nothing like I thought it would be. It is destroying the tiny bit of self-esteem I had left. This is so pathetic, but I'm jealous of the love my husband gets from our son; and our marriage is falling apart because of it.
I play games with him, I color with him, and help him with puzzles and let him do his own thing. I nurture him and encourage him to help me in the kitchen (his favorite place to be). I don't know why he doesn't love me. I only know that it's getting harder and harder to stay here. When a woman is in an abusive marriage, everyone encourages her to be strong and leave. But when a mother is in a loveless relationship with her child, there is nothing kind or reassuring to be said. I mean, what kind of a monster leaves her child, right?!?
I sometimes think my expectations for motherhood were too high; but then again, my only expectation now is to be loved by my child.
I've fought for him and advocated for him and made every decision of my life around what's best for him. I've done everything I could possibly do; and still, he doesn't love me. I think that's why I feel empty inside. I have given him so much love, and gotten nothing in return. Maybe I only had so much love to give; and now that it's almost gone, I want to walk away and never look back.
I want a trial separation. Something has to change, and maybe a little bit of distance is just what the doctor ordered. I don't necessarily want my marriage to end, exactly. I just need some space to try and replenish the love that I've thrown away.